Givers and Drains

And learning to spot the difference

Don’t you just hate that feeling when you feel like life is dragging you along? Constantly reacting to life’s demands and expectations from others - whether at work or at home.

Like many others, I personally find this hard to deal with. That feeling of lack of control over my time and energy. Being at everyone else’s beck and call and feeling as though I have little to no agency over how my day-to-day life looks.

I notice myself falling into unhealthy thought patterns and, if I’m not careful, that’s when my sleep suffers which then has a knock on to every other aspect of life.

This happened to me when I returned to work after my first maternity leave. There were a lot of factors at play but, at the core, was that feeling of spinning out of control. As a result, I had an extended period of time off work, as well as therapy. Thankfully by having the opportunity to reset and work on myself I was able to get myself back and learn a lot about myself in the process.

Since then, I can spot the signs of deteriorating mental health and I’ve made sure I prioritise my wellbeing above all else.

Whilst not everyone will relate to getting to such a low point as I’ve described above, I’m sure most people will relate to that feeling of loss of control in daily life. Too many demands and no time for yourself. Sadly, it is the reality of modern life for so many of us. Life is busy and lack of control can be felt in more ways than one.

Many of us don’t have much control over the big stuff - we need to provide for ourselves and our families, care for children or elderly relatives. Responsibilities of adult life can take its toll which is why, over recent years, I’ve made purposeful decisions to ensure that I find ways to have some control over my well-being, my time and my energy.

No one else is in charge of that but me, and whilst it may sometimes feel like I don’t have much control over my day-to-day life, I really do.

Realising I do have choice over the seemingly small things in life allowed me to purposefully carve out time for the things that boost me, and limit the things that drain me. These little things amount to a lot and it’s been a game changer.

These two lists below - Givers and Drains - are in my phone notes as a result of an exercise in the wonderful book, Motherkind. One list is of everything that gives me energy and feeds my soul (Givers) and the other of things that do the opposite (Drains).

Our days are made up of thousands of decisions and it’s the seemingly small ones that trip us up.

It’s been really powerful to get curious about how I feel after doing certain things. The following example is quite a new one so it has not made it onto my list but kids parties are a massive drain for me. We’ve had so many of them this year as my daughter has started school. My husband however, loves them! Well, ‘loves’ is maybe an exaggeration but I often notice a little spring in his step when he gets home and it really doesn’t phase him. For me, it seems to sap every piece of energy from my mind, body and soul!

We’re all so different and what’s an energy giver for me will be a total drain for someone else. It’s been so satisfying to get accustomed to my personal givers and drains and then make little tweaks to daily life.

Give it a try. Spend a week just noticing what gives you a boost and what does the opposite and then write these two lists and see how you can weave more of the energy givers into your life and avoid the drains as much as you can.

It can be transformative and just that little hint of having some control can be a boost in and of itself.

I’m loving the little conversations my blog posts are sparking - on and offline. Thank you to all those who read them, it really means a lot when I hear about how my words have resonated and it spurs me on to keep going! Thank you.