Saying ‘the thing'

Could ADHD be behind so much of my struggles?

I’ve been dancing around a topic since I’ve started The Soul’s Bloom but I’ve not actually said the thing.

It’s another Sunday morning (my weekly writing window) and I have so many things I’d like to write about but all these personal stories and musings on life, in some way, relate to the thing.

The more time I spend on Substack, as a reader and a writer, the more I realise that I’m getting from it just what I hoped for. A space to express myself - my real self - and in doing so, explore what my real self actually is.

I’m peeling back the masks and finding compassion for myself - something that’s never come easy.

As I’ve continued in this vein it’s began to feel less doable to hold back.

I just stood looking out my kitchen window, waiting for the kettle to boil, and thought ‘what the heck can I write about today?’

And a little whisper from my soul said ‘it’s time to be honest’.

So, what is the thing?

I have ADHD.

Well, I haven’t been diagnosed yet (on a waiting list) and that’s been the main reason I’ve not shared with anyone outside of my inner circle.

I knew I wanted to write about this at some point, but not until I had the diagnosis.

How can I talk about this when I’ve gone my whole life to date (I turn 40 next year) not even knowing this about myself?

I felt like I somehow had to earn my right to talk about. I had to be ‘legit.’

Right now, I feel like an imposter but I’m trying to move past this because this is real. I’ve not watched a few TikTok videos and thought, ‘that feels familiar’ and left it at that - this has been a process.

A really life altering process actually, that’s been going on for the last year or so.

How has the self-diagnosis looked for me?

I’ve had therapy focused on it, I’ve had an in-depth conversation with my GP who sorted my referral, I’ve read books, read back on old journals, listened to countless podcasts and this Ted Talk was probably the one that really solidified things, especially the bit about coping strategies no longer working when she became a mother.

That’s when the wheels came off for me too and it became glaringly obvious something was going on. Not to mention the interplay with postpartum (and post fertility treatment) hormones and I suspect, the beginning of perimenopause.

So many situations from my life and childhood now make sense.

I believe I have the inattentive type of ADHD. It’s no exaggeration to say that I feel like I learnt barely anything at school, despite getting good grades. I had to really knuckle down on revision and learn stuff like I was learning a script, that would then fall out my head as soon as the exam was done.

I was (and am) so good at seeming very attentive (the irony) - I remember nodding along enthusiastically in my science lessons whilst having a whole other internal world going on. I was rarely in the room. But give me something I’m interested in and I’ll go all in.

Whilst being inattentive comes with obvious drawbacks when it comes to education, social situations and the like, the toughest challenges have come with the internal narrative that has developed since such a young age.

I’ve noticed that ‘my punishing internal voice’ that I so often reference in my writing is a result of me living a life feeling like I’m stupid and different. Like I’m some kind of alien who struggles with stuff that other people find effortless. I’ve really hated myself for having these challenges. Until I’ve learnt that challenges with executive function are all part of having ADHD.

It’s been penny drop moment after penny drop moment. I look at my neurodivergent dad and think how was he not the biggest clue that this applies to me as well? How did I not know?

Part of wanting a diagnosis for myself is in case either, or both, of my children are neurodivergent. I want to be armed to support them and not let an inner critic develop in them in the way it has in me. It’s painful and I’d never want that for them.

It’s amazing that I’ve naturally developed coping strategies to keep myself feeling safe and like I can (just about) hold life together, just like I spoke about in last week’s blog post. These coping mechanisms only go so far though and the real work is the self-acceptance and compassion I am only now beginning to develop.

What now?

Sharing this feels quite scary but also freeing.

I suspect (and hope) that having a space where I can share more of this will bring me closer to figuring myself out. I can now see, with almost total certainty, that having ADHD has shaped so much of my life and my decisions to date.

There is, of course, some sadness in this. I 100% fall into the large proportion of undiagnosed neurodivergent women who feel like they haven’t reached their potential in life. This is me. This is where I am at. But, it’s not too late. I really hope it’s not too late.

Knowledge is power and by acknowledging why and how I’ve struggled with certain things I can also lean into the the strengths I have which I believe are, in part, a result of having ADHD. I’m now on a mission to figure out how I truly uncover and give focus to those strengths and no longer allow myself to be held back by my challenges.

Of course challenges will always be there but I can finally work with them and not against them - and crucially, I can give myself some grace.

There is so much more to say but I’ll leave it there for now. I’m looking forward to more self-exploration and continuing on this road to uncovering the authentic me.

So there we have it, I said the thing. I hope you’re still with me and if you are, thank you.