Some thoughts on ageing
as I step into the final year of my thirties…
Tomorrow I turn 39 and I admit, nearing the end of my thirties is stirring up some uncomfortable feelings. The ageing process seems to have somehow accelerated this past year and it feels really noticeable.
My social media feeds are full of ads for Perimenopause supplements which, as it happens, seems to be a hot topic in conversations with my peers right now, usually initiated by me I should add because my hormones have been throwing me all sorts of curveballs lately.
When I walk everything seems to click and creak. I ache more than I ever have, I’m having to re-think my beauty regime and my much loved make-up products are now far less forgiving on my crows feet and progressively more hooded eyes.
These types of observations have popped into my head fleetingly over the past year and there is little time to dwell on these things. The exception to this being the perimenopause topic which I alluded to in this previous post.
Rather than try to bury these thoughts and feelings I think they deserve a little air time. Birthdays always feel like a good time for reflection so I’m choosing to lean into the uncomfortableness I’m noticing because, as ever, I’m sure there are some insights to uncover.
On a more positive note, I’m finding that I’m getting drawn to content from older women online. Previously I’ve naturally been drawn to content from people my age or younger but now I seem to be drawn to those a little, or a lot, older than me. There is something comforting about the wisdom and beauty of an older lady I’m finding.
Not to sound creepy but I was looking at an older lady on the train the other day - my guess is she was in her late forties. She had many visible lines around her kind and sparkling eyes and it struck me that this kind of beauty is really aspirational to me right now.
How is it then that the very same day as seeing this lovely lady on the train I looked at a recent photo of myself and was horrified?
On a recent day out I asked my very obedient Instagram husband to capture the rare moment of me having a cocktail in hand feeling footloose and fancy free! When I looked at the photo, rather than seeing the joy, I honed in on the lines around my eyes and started scrutinising my forehead. Does it actually look like that? It must just be the lighting? I looked knackered and dare I say it, old.
I think it’s important to say that it’s probably quite natural to have a host of less than positive thoughts and feelings about looking older - we’ve all grown up seeing air brushed celebrities and now it feels like everyone has tweaked their way to slower, more palatable ageing. There’s absolutely nothing wrong in that and if I had more disposable income perhaps I’d be doing the same.
Aside from the superficial stuff, getting older brings up thoughts that feel really uncomfortable, such as the mortality of myself and others. That said, I also have a sense of hope and excitement for opportunities that await.
I’ve spent my life to date learning how to exist in the world. Rolling with the punches, trying and failing, trying and succeeding, having a lovely time and also having not such lovely times. I’ve developed many coping strategies, worn masks and conformed to expectations.
And as I get older I feel like I’m analysing it all - scrutinising parts of myself that are perhaps not actually parts of myself at all. Not my true self at least.
A huge focus for this next part of life is to become more unapologetically myself. I plan to dig deep into what that feels like and what that means. Really learn to listen to myself and give more focus to a way of life that feels good. Notice if my actions are a result of my values or driven by some of the self protective habits I’ve developed over the years. It almost feels like a process of ‘undoing’.
Over the last decade I’ve grappled a lot with feelings of failure for all kinds of different reasons. I’m so ready to let this go. I’m working on healing and acceptance. I’m excited to learn - not in order to be ‘my best self’ but to be my most authentic self.
For me, the purpose of life isn’t to tick off ‘all the things’ until one day I will have it all figured out and can down tools and feel proud of all I’ve achieved, it’s about being really curious about myself and the world around me. Finding the pockets of joy and leaning into those and not allowing myself to exist in a self-made cage of rules and restraints.
And this year, I’ll do what I do every year - reflect, count my blessings and look ahead to the year to come - the last of my thirties. The difference this year is that I’m quietly acknowledging some new and uncomfortable feelings. Rather than let these feelings add a ‘doom and gloom’ lens to birthdays, and my life in general, I will see it as an opportunity to add a bit of extra oomph to how I go about life, which I plan to live on my terms, seeking out people and experiences that bring me joy.
Above all, I plan to keep learning and growing because what an absolute blessing to have that opportunity when so many don’t.