The Forced Pause

Not just my elbow that was cracked open…

I’m delighted to be back after a few weeks off, recovering from a fractured elbow…

If you’ve read my previous post on toddler battles you’d know that I was having high stress moments multiple times a day trying to wrestle my incredibly strong toddler into his car seat. So stressful and also quite physically challenging. He is strong!

So when I fractured my elbow a few weeks back I suddenly got forced to opt out of these stress-inducing battles. My mum has very kindly picked up a lot of the lifts - ferrying both me and the children around. She said to me “Wow you’d do anything to get out of the car seat battles!”

Obviously she was joking but I couldn’t help feeling like the universe had taken pity on me and given me a break. I sure needed it!

And the silver linings of this injury haven’t ended there. I’ve been lucky in many ways that after the initial week or so I could get back to most of my usual daily activities, with the exception of two quite major things - 1) driving and 2) lifting my toddler. Oh, and working at my laptop for any decent length of time - thank you AI for transcribing this from my handwritten scribbles!

Naturally I’ve found myself with far more pockets of time than usual and much of this has been childfree. It has been very unusual. I am someone who loves being on my own. Peace and quiet is such a tonic for me. Being a mum of little people doesn’t afford me much in the way of opportunity for this. In fact, it feels quite alien to me nowadays.

The Initial Panic of Alone Time

I quickly noticed an initial panic. I must use this time wisely. Whatever that means. I have so many little jobs to do at home, such as picking out photos to go on our walls (we’ve been here 2 years and not got round to that yet). Tidying drawers (I was determined to still do this, even if it would take double the time with only one fully operating arm).

I was also excited that I would have more opportunities for meditation. Pre-kids I was incredibly consistent with my meditation practice - every morning for 10 minutes was my usual routine but having children, and so much unpredictability, has chucked that lovely ritual out the window.

Getting to weave back regular meditation felt good and I found myself extending to longer meditations and even multiple sessions a day. It wasn’t long before I noticed a powerful shift.

Soon after my injury, when I was first met with stretches of alone time, I noticed how fragmented my mind felt, flitting from one thing to another. It was that familiar feeling of ‘decision paralysis’. The things I ‘need’ and ‘want’ to do are endless so where to begin?

The time suck that is Instagram

And the most annoying thing was that I found myself going in and out of Instagram.

Why not just have a little scroll, see what’s new. I’d tell myself it was ‘nice’ to give myself this scrolling time as usually my Instagram time is limited - not by design, but because there’s normally something else to be doing.

I noticed very quickly how soul destroying it felt. And I got sucked into various rabbit holes. None of which were purposeful. It all just felt really loud - like I was being shouted at by various people and companies trying to sell me stuff.

I’d find myself looking at the idyllic holiday snaps of someone I used to know and then imagine what that person’s day to day looked like. I’d transport myself into their imagined beautiful home that surely they inhabit. And so the comparison creeps in.

Thank goodness I have enough awareness to see where the scrolling was taking my mind. This felt so wasteful. My precious time was getting dragged into the ether. I’d have these realisations and then find myself clicking into the app seconds later. Utter madness.

I’m pleased to say this compulsion to get sucked into Instagram didn’t last long and I credit my meditation practice for that. It enabled me to notice how checking in to Instagram was making me feel. What I hated most was the fragmented nature of it all, and the purposelessness, if that’s even a word. Who knows where I’d wind up after 10 minutes on Instagram. Maybe that’s the novelty we’re drawn to? But I didn’t want that for this precious alone time I’d found myself with.

So if I wasn’t on the gram, where was I?

You are probably expecting me to now say that I ditched Instagram and then got all those pesky little jobs done. Wrong. Something quite major shifted in me. The consistent meditation gave me the gift of finding that elusive gap between myself and the thoughts in my head. It’s not the time that you’re meditating where you see the most benefit, it’s in the rest of the day.

Photo by - Landsmann - on Unsplash

It gave me the ability to be intentional about what content I consumed and I used the opportunity to see my thoughts in full focus. Initially a little unnerving but I eased into it and allowed myself to observe with curiosity and crucially, no judgement.

I’ve read almost two books, journaled loads, sat with myself in a way that I haven’t done in years. I’ve re-evaluated the things I allow myself to get consumed by when I’m on my usual hamster wheel of life.

Time is so precious and when life is busy it is tempting to use the little margins of life numbing out on Instagram and, for some, that may be their tonic but for me it really isn’t.

I’ve gone deep into a new fave podcast that is totally aligned to my actual interests (shout out to Mayim Bialik’s Breakdown). Not those interests that Instagram is trying to force upon me.

I’ve allowed myself to simply sit with the children rather than rush about all the time. Before having children I could never have imagined how hard it is to be fully present and that’s actually heartbreaking and something I want to work on.

I’ve not been reaching for my phone every 5 seconds. I’ve been getting out for walks and ultimately I’ve been letting myself be, which for my neurodivergent brain, doesn’t come easy. Coming home to the habits that kept me together for so long before having children has been both a comfort and a relief.

It has felt like the universe has given me this time to pause for a reason - and not just to get out of the car seat drama. I needed this re-connection and whilst obviously far from ideal in so many ways I’m doing what I’ve got quite good at over the years - making some delicious lemonade when life chucks me some lemons.

The real test is going to be whether I revert back to old patterns when my schedule is jam packed again but I’m figuring out how I can stay here because quite frankly, it feels scary to go back.