When progress feels scary
Moving past the intensity of my post-ADHD diagnosis penny drop moments, noticing my inner critic and learning to find safety in a pause.
I’ve just written this in my journal:
I can feel a shift. I’m learning to be gentler on myself. I’m learning to live with more ease and I suppose with that comes clarity but I feel I’m busying myself and not necessarily giving myself permission to access the clarity.
I wrote this after waking up with lots of thoughts about what I’m doing here on Substack floating about in my head.
Of late, things have felt quite tangled up in my mind on this front and perhaps that comes across in my writing, I don’t know.
As always, within minutes of writing in my journal the crux of the matter shows itself and today, I’ll give a brief insight into what this is and where my head is at.
Unpicking my ADHD diagnosis in real time
Substack has been (and is) a wonderful place to unpick my ADHD diagnosis.
A way to see my life through a totally new lens. I’ve been making sense of so much in real time and it’s been so therapeutic. The penny drop moments have come thick and fast.
But it can’t go on with such intensity. The penny drops slow down after a while.
Also, not all of my realisations are suitable for public disclosure. They may involve other people or be a bit too vulnerable or private, even for me.
I’ve needed to be in the weeds of all this and untangle certain things and it’s been unbelievably helpful for me to do so. It edged me closer to the clarity that I wrote about in my journal today.
The process of untangling has ultimately led to more clarity around who I am and who I want to be. I’ve accessed true self-compassion and in doing so, I’m starting to notice some changes such as these:
✨ Knowing my limits and honoring them
✨ Giving myself permission to ration my energy
✨ Understanding the things that light me up and saying no to the things that don’t
✨ Learning to advocate for myself - with the GP, at home and at work
✨ Accepting the season I’m in whilst taking small actions to honour ‘future me’
✨ Allowing myself to lean into the things that bring comfort, such as routine
✨ Having boundaries with my phone
✨ Leaning into the pull to live a simple life
Oh hi Inner Critic, again!
But, it’s not all positive. My inner critic (as per) has a lot to say about all this.
My inner critic is telling me that no one is going to want to read about these positive shifts I’m making.
My readers are going to think I’m preaching if I write about what’s helping me and the progress I’m making.
People only want to hear about the vulnerable declarations of being stuck in the depths of despair.
People will think I’m trying to be a ‘a guru’ on how to sort your life out.
Can you tell I have a major fear of being misunderstood and this is how my RSD shows itself?!
Revisiting old dreams?
I think I’m also coming at this from the angle of being a failed Life Coach. I became so disillusioned with the coaching world and I’m still unsure of where I’m at with it.
Over ten years ago now I did my studying (which I LOVED), had hours of practice and got my coaching diploma. But just after this it felt as though the whole internet was suddenly awash with coaches.
From what I could tell, some of these coaches didn’t always have the training and experience behind them. I couldn’t compete with their top notch marketing and branding but boy did I try. Hello burn out!
Over time I shrunk myself and became allergic to the hustle and to that whole world of shiny, polished coaches. That vibe is so not me.
Equally, it’s also true that I love coaching. I really felt I’d found my thing. I know I’m a good coach and suspect this could somehow weave into this journey I’ve been on since learning of my neurodivergence.
I just don’t know how this looks.
Productivity or Procrastination?
I sometimes wonder if me religiously churning out post after post on here is a form of procrastination. Keeping myself in the weeds rather than allowing myself to celebrate or even disclose these shifts that have started to happen.
I feel on the cusp of something new.
Perhaps I can be of service in some way but it’s so very important to me that I do this with all the heart, honesty and integrity that I’m proud to say has become part of what I put out here.
If you’ve read about my previous career endeavours it won’t be a hard to see why I’m fearful of all of the below:
✨Failure
✨Success (mad isn’t it?)
✨Being misunderstood
✨Burning out & not coping
But I must remember, I’ve got so much intel on myself now and I really have done, and continue to do, the work.
The writing, the therapy, the coaching, the quiet sitting with myself and building that incredibly important connection to Self once again (or perhaps for the first time).
All this counts. It counts for a lot.
What next?
Something is telling me that it’s time for a little pause and the school summer holidays feel like a good time to do this.
So, at the time of writing, I’m not sure when my next article will be out. Maybe it will be next week as I do have a couple of half written ones but let’s see. I put too much pressure on myself so I need to ease up a bit.
Sometimes it’s important to take stock. To sit with ourselves rather than feed that very strong compulsion to do, do, do. Gosh, this compulsion is strong in me.
I’m reminding myself it’s safe to pause. It’s safe to ‘just be’ and there is absolutely no shame in making progress, which strangely seems to be the underlying belief that’s been taking hold of late.
Quite clearly, there is still work to do. There always will be and I kind of like that about life. Perhaps that’s the whole point?
More soon.
With love and gratitude for reading my words,
Georgina x
If you found yourself nodding along hit the like button 💜
Or to open up the conversation leave a comment 👇🏼
And finally, if you know any deep feelers muddling their way through neurodivergence, motherhood (or life in general) then feel free to share. I’d love to get my writing to a wider audience and create a little community of like minded souls here 🌷
It sounds like your instinct is telling you to pause, and like you say, the summer hols is a great time to do that. From my perspective, I enjoy connecting with you on here as it’s the only place I’ve found other ADHDers, and Substack provides a space where we can safely communicate. I look for similarities and connections in other people’s words—I spent 40 years (minus being a baby etc!) feeling like I was completely different and broken, and that’s all changed since I found Substack, and had my diagnosis. You’ve definitely helped me feel seen and understood, and for me that’s been invaluable ❤️
This is exactly where my head has been at for the last 7 months. I hadn't found a way to put words to the feeling, but 'untangling' is exactly how it feels. I had been guilt-tripping myself for hiding in my journals, but now I realise I have been untangling. I am learning on my neurodivergent journey that the moments with the most light for me are when I can find the language to express myself clearly, not only understanding myself better, but also then being able to communicate that with others. Thank you for giving me 'Untangled'!
I have started trying to integrate 'scaffolding' activities into my writing to help motivate and inspire me. I watched Brene Brown's 'The Power of Vulnerability' Ted Talk yesterday (which I will probably write a piece about), and this thought stuck with me in particular: 'I know that vulnerability is the core of shame and fear, but it appears that it is also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love.'
I find myself constantly paralysed in the fear and shame, and seeking courage. Please keep sharing your story. It is helping me to feel less alone and to seek out courage to be vulnerable.